Is it wrong that I don’t feel like Christmas?

No matter what goes on around me it just doesn’t feel like a joyous time.
I wish I could fix it, but I can’t.
I need to bake for orders so I do it, but I don’t bake for enjoyment.
I need to take photos , but even then, I can’t see anything to photograph.
I need to wrap presents, I need to put on a face, I need to be celebrating but all I have are tears.
Is it easy for others who have experienced the loss of a family member to be able to go on and celebrate these first occasions without the sadness. Probably not.
I wish those around me would understand this, but some don’t.
Do I care…no.

Had to get it out of my head as my heart has been aching for sometime now and the happy face has been packed away for now…is that wrong?

  • Not at all Cathie, just get through it the best you can, and know that maybe next year it will be a little bit easier xx

  • Vic

    Of course it's not wrong hon, you feel how you feel & it's your perfect right.


  • Not at all, my darling! A big hole where someone really important should be. Do what you can and try to be kind to yourself. Those who love you will know what is in your heart, even if they don't quite understand. Lisa.

  • It must be an incredibly hard time for you. I hope you and your family find your way through all this. Thinking of you xxx

  • Totally not wrong sweetie. Put the happy face away for now and grieve. The firsts are always the hardest. Thinking of you 🙂

  • Not at all Cathie, show the world what your heart feels xx

  • Not one bit wrong. Grief is one of those things you can't pack away when it's inconvenient. Hugs to you – xn

  • I'm not surprised you're not feeling any joy this Christmas. I hope your loved ones can help you through the big day.

  • It's completely and utterly natural. You just need to go with it.

    Enormous hugs x

  • Poor love! It would be weirder if you were feeling Ok about it. The first one of all those occasions is the worst.. you are allowed to feel however you need to, allowed to feel however you want to and allowed to feel like you want to cry and scream, there is no right or wrong way to feel, no shoulds or musts or have to's, no obligations…do what you need to do to make yourself feel better……if others around you cannot handle your very real emotions, it's because they may feel awkard around you because they don't know how to respond, that's their issue not yours to take on. xxx

  • grief is a horrible and very unique experience for everyone. nothing that you feel at the moment is wrong or bad and everything that you are feeling is "normal".

    i would be feeling the same way if my dear dad was no longer with us. I know my husband has a hard time on these special days as he remembers his cherished dad, who died when he was 14.

    I don't blame you for not feeling like celebrating. The best thing you can do is talk about how you are feeling, and try not to bury those emotions by always putting on a happy front!

    I hope some joy can come back into your heart, and you can relish in the memories of years gone by!

    Much love!! x

  • Nothing wrong with being sensitive and feeling and loving. So much love to you beautiful girl. XX

  • Hello, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sadness will be your partner for a while, then, fortunatelly, will come to visit just from time to time.
    All your family must feel same way, but I guess that the best for all of you to enjoy your company and give love is trying to think what your father would have said to all of you 🙂
    Take your time to feel sad, respect your own feelings, but try not to stuck on them.
    Life is so hard sometimes, but there are so many things to smile for. Spread all the love your father put in you on those fabulous things you cook. Try to put as much energy as you can in your pictures, because we receive it! Remember that even if now you are feeling sad, you are a lucky person.
    Thank you for sharing your world with us.
    Loads of good energy from Spain…

  • I'm so sorry Cathie. Thinking of you.

  • Just de-lurking to let you know that I feel for you – your first Christmas without your Dad. I lost my dad too and it's a huge hole left in your life. You do learn to live with it, but it takes so much time. Allow yourself that time as it's the only thing that will help. Here's a post on how I've coped – may help to let you know you're not alone in your grief:

  • You have every right to feel and grieve and I hope that with your loving family that you are able to get through this difficult time. I am thinking of you and sending hugs your way,take care of you. xo

  • What a touching post and thoughtful responses… Thinking of you-

  • Cathie!! I wish I could give you a big hug! First holidays are always hard, and even years later can be so very hard. I 100% understand what you are saying, and it is so hard when others don't 🙁

    Sending you good thoughts and wishing you a break from the tears.

  • Thinking of you Cathie, I can’t imagine how hard this year has been for you. I hope it gets a little easier soon.

  • Kat

    Oh Cathie, I don't know what to say that won't sound cliched. But I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I can't imaging how hard this must be for you. I'm sending a big virtual hug your way.
    xo Kat

  • XXOO

  • Sometimes Christmas can be the most difficult time of the year. Like an emotional volcano, with all the build up to the event. So to be grieving on top of all that is so difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Thinking of you xxx. Cathy

  • I experience this every Christmas without my darling Mum & Dad. But I figure they would be very cross with me if I didn't embrace the joy of the Season they loved so much. So each thing I prepare, each gift I buy, each decoration I hang, I smile knowing that they are with me in spirit. Smiling down at our table on Christmas Day, full of laughing, raucous kids (their Grandsons)& being so proud of them all. We always raise our first glass of champers on the day to them & remember what fantastic times we had – its a magical thing to do for us all. It's early days for you Cathie, so be gentle with yourself – but don't let the grief control you, you control it.
    Millie ^_^

  • Dont worry about it too much love, I think we are all feeling flustered at the moment.

  • Fuck the sad face!!!! Shit cathy…you have just lost you dad!!! This is huge…if you were NOT sad there would be something seriously WRONG!! It sounds to me that you loved your dad to bits and he loved you all the way to the moon and back….so feel sad love, you are ment too!!! xx

  • Hi Cathie, thank you so much for the lovely cupcakes today, it was such a nice gesture, you totally made my day.

    I can feel what you are going through. My lovely dad died five years ago, he was too young to go, just starting to enjoy his retirement, and I still miss him every day, although it is especially hard at Christmas. Every time I feel proud of my kids I wish I could tell him about it, they were only babies when he died and he hardly had time to know them. It's ok to feel like you do, and to show it. Do whatever feels right for you to help you to deal with this sad time.

    Love to you,

    Allison x

  • oh cath, my eyes are so puffy that i cant see the monitor, we will be ok….i guess. what lovely comments from everyone….its hard, my heart still hurts, there is a piece missing and i dont think i can ever get it back. i love you!
    ur sis x

  • I also have lost a parent and its never easy around the holidays. Just remember your dads memories and most of all his love will always be with you 🙂

  • Sending you much love. xx
    I think the chicks above have summed it up very well.
    Ride the wave, my dear.

  • I'm so sorry, Cathie. That must be such a hard place to be in. If you feel sad then that's the absolutely most appropriate way to be right now. Go gently with your aching heart. x

  • Cathie, I just read your post. What your experiencing is normal. If you feel sad, be sad, if you feel angry be angry. Be true to yourself and let yourself heal. Love Beky

  • ((hugs))..I'm a little late and although I haven't recently lost someone this time of year brings memories of my grandmother flooding back in. It's a wonderful time but such a heartbreaking one as well. I hope you are able to find comfort in the life around you. And find time for yourself too….((hugs))

  • Thinking of you Cathie – this time of year brings back memories of all the loved ones I miss. I hope you can remember the happy times XO

  • I understand…my grandfather died last year around Christmas time and I wasn't able to fly out to the funeral. My mom wasn't around for Christmas and the whole thing just left me feeling very sad. But, we get on with our lives, and we always have lovely family memories to bring a little joy and light into our dark days.

    I read your latest post and see that you had a wonderful family get together which brightened your spirit.

    I wish you a Christmas filled with lots of smiles and quality family time.

  • Cathie, I think that keeping it together as you are doing is huge thing. You are cooking, putting on a brave face, taking care of your family and growing memories for your gorgeous children. You are being strong for those around you. Now do you have to add a happy face to all of that and pretend? No, and definitely not here.

    I hope that you are getting support from those that matter to you in life, and that you are able to give yourself time to process your feelings. There will be plenty of time later to have a smile for your self and others.

    Have a safe and love filled christmas.
    It was grat to meet you the other night, you are a very inspirational woman.
    xx fab



  • Ash

    Oh, I just want to give you the biggest hug!! Feel how ever you need to feel hun!
    Wishing you well and happy times!

  • i share this walk of loss with you, my friend. i am a daughter as well, who had to say goodbye too soon.
    i send you love, so much love.

  • Don't forget: Like Water for Chocolate… Others will share your sadness.
    Love too – although we don't know each other…

  • Lyn

    I hope everything gets better and sweeter for u Cathie!
    Big higs!

  • Oh Cathie, i haven't dropped by in a while (life has kept blogging pretty scarce) and I just caught up on your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your lose. Don't worry about showing your heart, I don't think its possible to do otherwise. Hope your Christmas is filled with love and endless hugs.
    x Alisa